Just float

Just Float

My roller coaster is on the up today. After an extremely difficult day yesterday I woke to a beautiful message from my parents sending me support and love for whatever decisions I make regarding my travels and/or coming home. After a few little tears I pushed myself to get out of my bed and face the day with determination and courage. Sometimes it is tempting to stay under my blanket of self pity and sadness as depression is familiar and sometimes it feels like it is easier just to stay there. But it does not serve me or my use to the world and I recognise this trick of the mind. So I force myself to get moving and without fail I am always the better for it.

The ocean is my solace and always provides me with relief. I dive under the water and feel its smoothness on my skin and my worries and cares slip away. I love to lay under the water and look up through the surface at the sun and blue sky and it feels like I am in a different world, one where everything is OK. I slip to the surface and lay there closing my eyes and I feel like I am being held, embraced and loved. There’s nothing to think about but this knowledge and comfort that everything is exactly as it should be. When I float I feel free and reconnect to everything, the universe, myself and the truth. No matter how I am feeling it is my choice to do so and it is usually my perception, I want things to be different.

This year has been spent in countries of poverty where people have so little but with what they have got they are happy. In Cambodia I observed the men and women of 40 and above and know they have lived through the atrocities of the Khmer Rouge reign. For 4 years they slaved, starved and suffered under the evil, power driven party and a quarter of their nation lost their lives through execution, starvation and hopelessness. Some simply gave up the will to live. Just about every Cambodian would have been touched by the loss of a loved one. If they can rise up to each day and continue then definitely so can I. I look at my pictures and am reminded to be grateful for the countless blessings in my life. I’m sure they would swap places and have my problems in a jiffy, but then maybe not, they know how to be grateful.

So whenever I am feeling ungrateful and unhappy with my lot all I need to be reminded is just float.

photo credit: Marvin Chandra Kat via photopin (license)

The struggle

Struggle Town

In early recovery some days are easy and some days are hard. When I left Australia late March for my prolonged Cambodian stint I was a few months past my two year milestone. I guess deep down I knew I was off on my biggest geographical yet but I had conveniently hidden this knowledge deep inside and I would not admit it until the inevitable occurred. Without putting conscious thought into it I no longer considered myself in early recovery, my sobriety felt solid and I could not imagine ever picking up a drink again. I could not have been more wrong and my foolishness and pride are still paying the consequences.

At two years, seven months and eight days sober, delusion set in and I made the decision to drink knowing full well the price would be costly but somehow avoiding to process the severity of this and drinking anyway. In this last statement I do not allude to the monetary expense of the alcohol for the cost of that first night was less than $20 for a 700ml bottle of Vodka and a bottle of red. No, the 4 days of drinking was to cost much more dearly in the physical and mental torture that ineluctably follows for me after a drinking spree and insanely lead me to other substances to ease the pain. Swapping the witch for the bitch I think is a fair term to describe it.

By the grace of God I had managed to put everything down and get back to the gratitude and enjoyment of life but my isolation and loneliness, longing for home and missing the vital connection with other alcoholics steers my thoughts back to drinking and I am frequently in the battle to stay sober. The direction I thought I had found with my kite instructing doesn’t seem so important anymore and I’m wondering whether to just swallow my pride and head home to the support of family and friends who love me.

Today is a hard day and I have struggled to get through it. The deceptive lure and promise of comfort from a drink has been tempting me yet again and it has taken my utmost to resist. The insanity of alcoholism is baffling. I know life is too good, family so precious. Feelings wont kill me. Alcohol will.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

photo credit: Norbert Eder Alone via photopin (license)