Drowning in deep water

Deep Waters

He reached out from on high and took hold of me; He pulled me out of deep waters.
2 SAMUEL 21:17 HCSB

My best friend of 30 years sent me a lovely little book while I was away in Cambodia. It’s called ‘Moments of Peace for the mornings’ I flick to a random page each day and the passage gives me cause for reflection throughout the day.

Today’s reading was quite pertinent. I have faith in a higher power but I don’t relate to It as God but the Universal Spirit. I can simply feel that ‘something’ is there directing me, guiding me and keeping me safe. I fail to feel this when I am running on instincts, pushing and pulling trying to assert my will and control. Sometimes when I do this I don’t even realise until I am down deep in a sad and confusing place.

I love using analogy’s of water because it is in or around it that i feel most spiritually connected and at peace. Nothing gives me greater personal security, peace and love than when I am floating being held by the universe, protected and safe. After my release rehab it used to be so important to me to pull myself up in the morning and down to the ocean to swim and float followed by meditation. In my meditation I would sense my inner waters. Sometimes they were as noisy and rough as the ocean, sometimes they were calmer. I would use my time in meditation to wait and receive the energy I needed from the universe to calm my internal waters until they settled still as a morning lake. This routine was vital to me to pull me out of the depression and fear I woke with every day. These days life is much less difficult to navigate but recently I had a little while away from the water (accept the rain there was plenty of ‘that’ water) and the effect on my spiritual and emotional stability was huge!! I plunged into my own well of deep deep water and life of became a persistent become a persistent struggle. I blamed this on the rain because I couldn’t paddle my board on the river, swim, float and immerse myself in the sounds and senses of nature. Nothing was different to what it is accept my ability to perceive and cope. I was drowning.

After a couple of weeks the rain cleared so I grabbed my board and hit the water. As I sat and meditated on a rock in the river Somewhere in the darkness I felt the soft touch of universal light and I felt relief. As I breathed deeply I felt I was breathing new air and like I had been holding my breath for those weeks.

On reflection the lesson I learn out of this is that I can not rely on external circumstances to keep my inner peace. This must come from within and be strengthened by prayer, trust and faith In the universe that everything is as it should be. i always have my internal water I will never go dry.

photo credit: chiaralily Falling via photopin (license)

Image

A Child of the Universe

I hear the call of the birds and I listen. The screech of the white cockatoo, bellbirds tinkle like drops from a melting snowflake and the whipbird sends his call and snap among the myriad of voices from other birds whose names I have not learned. It is quiet and still this morning and I feel like I am the only human soul on the river. My mind clears of the persistent thoughts that deafen my ears and block my sensory perception.

The world bursts to life around me vivid and sharp, a delight of smells, sounds, feeling and colours. My mind is still and I am one and I am all. I am connected, tapped into the universal energy, nature and myself. My eyes take in every detail. The bleached white bark of the eucalyptus and its dry navy leaves. The spindly royal green nettles of the pine and the beauty of the bowing weeping willow. I breathe in the rugged bushland of Australia and deep gratitude fills my heart for the country that is home. The rocks of different sizes, shapes and varied shades of brown and grey line the water and climb the gorge, spotted with green moss, sapplings and the odd spider web dangling below still glistening with drops of morning dew. Swallows dancing together, dipping and weaving, skimming the water’s glassy surface, bring a playful smile to my lips. The colours look brighter than memory can recall in otherworldly brilliance. The soft morning light wraps gently around me with the gentle kiss of an almost indiscernible breeze. I close my eyes listening to the music of Mother Nature, the joyous song of the birds, cicadas singing in unison announcing the arrival of summer, soft lapping of the water and the deep universal silence beneath. My heart fills with joy and love and I breathe a big sigh of content as I recall a piece of Desiderata;

I am a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars
I have a right to be here
And whether or not it is clear to me, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

photo credit: Chris_Kluepfel Milchstraße_KR_0001 via photopin (license)

Kite for life
Image

Getting back to Water 🌊

Time for a change of pace here on my blog.

I have an addiction to alcohol and red wine is my poison. I chose the name for my blog as Turning Wine to Water to reflect on my passion for water sports as an integral part of my recovery process. My love of the ocean, surfing, kiteboarding and stand up paddle has been a therapeutic and at times spiritual process. When I am in the water I feel connected. Connected to myself, my inner child, to the universe and I am reminded to be grateful. Grateful just to be alive. What a beautiful journey we are on as spiritual beings, having this human experience to grow and progress our true essence.

I can recall quite clearly a conversation with a girlfriend that took place in my mid 20’s which went something like this:
Me. ‘Do you have a passion?’
Friend. ‘No’
Me. ‘Shouldn’t we have a passion? Shouldn’t everyone have a passion?’
Hmm…

Fast forward 13 years or so and I have been blessed to find passion indeed. It began 11 years ago when an opportunity to learn kitesurfing came my way and from this I have found a passionate love of the ocean, a joy and peacefulness in surfing SUP. On top of this I have discovered a love of writing. God heard my question of so long ago and manifested passion into my life and along with it came the opportunity to travel around Australia, to become involved in the exciting world of competitive kiting and stand up paddle surfing and racing, and to meet many amazing people some of whom have become beautiful, supportive lifelong friends.

Also in this 13 years my alcoholism was progressing to the point of dysfunctional hopelessness (when I drink), but if the only hardship in life I have to endure is the fact that I can not take so much as one alcoholic drink then I think I am pretty damn lucky. What a great big F you to God for endowing me with this fortunate life if I choose to forsake it all for the addiction that wants to see me ruined. When I feel like giving in I must remember to breathe, pray and head to the ocean.

Thank you G. Your will not mine be done.

Image

🌻🌞My Sunrise🌞🌻

A poem I wrote in the early weeks in rehab when I didn’t think I possesed ‘depth of feelings’. I was to soon learn when they slammed into me like a Mack truck but this is beside the point today.

This morning I didn’t physically watch the sunrise but I feel it today in my spirit and I see it every time I look at my nieces Melanie and Hayley and into the faces of Melanie’s babies Alyse (Ally) and Isaac.
Think of a drink , think of these faces, they are too precious.

The feature picture was taken by myself one amazing sunrise in Burrill Lake, South Coast NSW.

My Sunrise
By Michelle England

This morning the sunrise belongs to me
Rising in grandeur delighting the sky with his tender hues
Gently, softly, slowly, teasing
And then he bursts in brilliance and glory
Painting the clouds complementing his beauty
The land opens up to accept the sweet gift
Soulful birds singing their descant song soaring
Flowers in worship unfolding faces to the sky

I open my heart and pray
I pray thanks for this morning and the sweet birds
Thanks for the crisp air the trees and the flowers
I pray thank you for life and all things in being
I pray thank you, just thank you, whithout a name

This morning the sunrise belongs to me
A dance in my heart the rhythm of memory
Startling in beauty carrying me away in the moment
Enchanted in joy
There was just him and me
🌹

Image

To My Readers

For those of you who read my posts and I feel this is very few, I thank you. My purpose is partly for myself as a form of therapy and attempt to understand what I do, but also in the hope to help educate people on the powerlessness of addiction as a disease and not of moral deficiency. I also hope to reach others in my condition as someone to relate to and share with. If I help anyone along the way I am so grateful that I have the opportunity through my words. Additionally I am attempting to establish myself as a freelance writer but this will only be a small part of my blog and a nice light and enjoyable (mostly) thing to share with you as I know of late most of my entries have been quite heavy. I look forward to sharing my progression in recovery and spiritual growth as well as entertaining you with my poems and stories. Please Like and Share my blog so that I may reach more receptive people.

Just float
Image

Just Float

My roller coaster is on the up today. After an extremely difficult day yesterday I woke to a beautiful message from my parents sending me support and love for whatever decisions I make regarding my travels and/or coming home. After a few little tears I pushed myself to get out of my bed and face the day with determination and courage. Sometimes it is tempting to stay under my blanket of self pity and sadness as depression is familiar and sometimes it feels like it is easier just to stay there. But it does not serve me or my use to the world and I recognise this trick of the mind. So I force myself to get moving and without fail I am always the better for it.

The ocean is my solace and always provides me with relief. I dive under the water and feel its smoothness on my skin and my worries and cares slip away. I love to lay under the water and look up through the surface at the sun and blue sky and it feels like I am in a different world, one where everything is OK. I slip to the surface and lay there closing my eyes and I feel like I am being held, embraced and loved. There’s nothing to think about but this knowledge and comfort that everything is exactly as it should be. When I float I feel free and reconnect to everything, the universe, myself and the truth. No matter how I am feeling it is my choice to do so and it is usually my perception, I want things to be different.

This year has been spent in countries of poverty where people have so little but with what they have got they are happy. In Cambodia I observed the men and women of 40 and above and know they have lived through the atrocities of the Khmer Rouge reign. For 4 years they slaved, starved and suffered under the evil, power driven party and a quarter of their nation lost their lives through execution, starvation and hopelessness. Some simply gave up the will to live. Just about every Cambodian would have been touched by the loss of a loved one. If they can rise up to each day and continue then definitely so can I. I look at my pictures and am reminded to be grateful for the countless blessings in my life. I’m sure they would swap places and have my problems in a jiffy, but then maybe not, they know how to be grateful.

So whenever I am feeling ungrateful and unhappy with my lot all I need to be reminded is just float.

photo credit: Marvin Chandra Kat via photopin (license)