The struggle

Struggle Town

In early recovery some days are easy and some days are hard. When I left Australia late March for my prolonged Cambodian stint I was a few months past my two year milestone. I guess deep down I knew I was off on my biggest geographical yet but I had conveniently hidden this knowledge deep inside and I would not admit it until the inevitable occurred. Without putting conscious thought into it I no longer considered myself in early recovery, my sobriety felt solid and I could not imagine ever picking up a drink again. I could not have been more wrong and my foolishness and pride are still paying the consequences.

At two years, seven months and eight days sober, delusion set in and I made the decision to drink knowing full well the price would be costly but somehow avoiding to process the severity of this and drinking anyway. In this last statement I do not allude to the monetary expense of the alcohol for the cost of that first night was less than $20 for a 700ml bottle of Vodka and a bottle of red. No, the 4 days of drinking was to cost much more dearly in the physical and mental torture that ineluctably follows for me after a drinking spree and insanely lead me to other substances to ease the pain. Swapping the witch for the bitch I think is a fair term to describe it.

By the grace of God I had managed to put everything down and get back to the gratitude and enjoyment of life but my isolation and loneliness, longing for home and missing the vital connection with other alcoholics steers my thoughts back to drinking and I am frequently in the battle to stay sober. The direction I thought I had found with my kite instructing doesn’t seem so important anymore and I’m wondering whether to just swallow my pride and head home to the support of family and friends who love me.

Today is a hard day and I have struggled to get through it. The deceptive lure and promise of comfort from a drink has been tempting me yet again and it has taken my utmost to resist. The insanity of alcoholism is baffling. I know life is too good, family so precious. Feelings wont kill me. Alcohol will.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

photo credit: Norbert Eder Alone via photopin (license)