Kite for life
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Getting back to Water 🌊

Time for a change of pace here on my blog.

I have an addiction to alcohol and red wine is my poison. I chose the name for my blog as Turning Wine to Water to reflect on my passion for water sports as an integral part of my recovery process. My love of the ocean, surfing, kiteboarding and stand up paddle has been a therapeutic and at times spiritual process. When I am in the water I feel connected. Connected to myself, my inner child, to the universe and I am reminded to be grateful. Grateful just to be alive. What a beautiful journey we are on as spiritual beings, having this human experience to grow and progress our true essence.

I can recall quite clearly a conversation with a girlfriend that took place in my mid 20’s which went something like this:
Me. ‘Do you have a passion?’
Friend. ‘No’
Me. ‘Shouldn’t we have a passion? Shouldn’t everyone have a passion?’
Hmm…

Fast forward 13 years or so and I have been blessed to find passion indeed. It began 11 years ago when an opportunity to learn kitesurfing came my way and from this I have found a passionate love of the ocean, a joy and peacefulness in surfing SUP. On top of this I have discovered a love of writing. God heard my question of so long ago and manifested passion into my life and along with it came the opportunity to travel around Australia, to become involved in the exciting world of competitive kiting and stand up paddle surfing and racing, and to meet many amazing people some of whom have become beautiful, supportive lifelong friends.

Also in this 13 years my alcoholism was progressing to the point of dysfunctional hopelessness (when I drink), but if the only hardship in life I have to endure is the fact that I can not take so much as one alcoholic drink then I think I am pretty damn lucky. What a great big F you to God for endowing me with this fortunate life if I choose to forsake it all for the addiction that wants to see me ruined. When I feel like giving in I must remember to breathe, pray and head to the ocean.

Thank you G. Your will not mine be done.

Chica
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Let her Go🎈

Let Her Go

By Michelle England

Let her go
Pray she will be set free
Let her be
Let her fly if that’s what she needs
Let her go
Breathe through the pain that’s not what she means
Let her go
Let her be

Let her go
Trust and stay true to me
Let her be
When she is ready she will reach my way
Let her fly
Be there when she is in need
Let her go
Let her be

**Inspired by Passenger’s Let Her Go; which was running on replay through my mind when I was trying to deal with a situation beyond my control or how I’d like it to be. It was either stay in sadness and self pity or breathe, remember her pain, have faith and set her free…

Writing and sharing brings me the grace of peace 🌈

photo credit: Lenny K Photography Hitch Hiking via photopin (license)

Footprints
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Friends for Life

As I spend my last few days in Cambodia the feeling is bittersweet. I am ready to go home but I do want to stay. Travelling particularly alone we cross paths with many like-minded people, become friends for a time and inevitably part ways. I have made friends here in Cambodia that I know with every fibre of my being we will be friends for life. We have shared a special and unique bond and gone above and beyond for each other.

Although my footprints have washed away we will always walk together x

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To My Readers

For those of you who read my posts and I feel this is very few, I thank you. My purpose is partly for myself as a form of therapy and attempt to understand what I do, but also in the hope to help educate people on the powerlessness of addiction as a disease and not of moral deficiency. I also hope to reach others in my condition as someone to relate to and share with. If I help anyone along the way I am so grateful that I have the opportunity through my words. Additionally I am attempting to establish myself as a freelance writer but this will only be a small part of my blog and a nice light and enjoyable (mostly) thing to share with you as I know of late most of my entries have been quite heavy. I look forward to sharing my progression in recovery and spiritual growth as well as entertaining you with my poems and stories. Please Like and Share my blog so that I may reach more receptive people.

I Love You
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Dear Mum & Dad

I’M COMING HOME

I can’t help but feel deflated that my travels are ending like this, or feeling like I am coming home having achieved nothing, once again not finishing what I set out. I know you love me regardless and don’t see this as true. It is hard to admit I’m not OK, that I need to come home. I’ve taken a big gulp of pride and fear of opinions and swallowed it because really it is not important. My well-being is important, connection is important and you are important. I’m coming home because I want to be the best Michelle I can be and right now I can’t do this in Vietnam.

I know that the world will still be waiting when I am spiritually and emotionally ready but first I must surrender my own internal world and stop trying to run the show. There’s a big guy for that and to him I give my surrender.

I might be late 30s but I am always your child and right now I need you and I know you will be glad to have me home. All I ever want is for you to be proud of me. I know that you are. I need to learn to be proud of myself.

I love you xxx

Twins
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11

11

By Michelle England

I was blessed from creation sharing the womb with another
One egg that split I grew with you sister
11 minutes separated our entrance to the world
11 minutes you waited so we could be whole

11 is our numerology number
1 and 1 side by side we stand together
I miss you dear sister without you I’m incomplete
I beg come back to me please let me in

My Great Babies

Family is Everything

2016 has been a whirl of culture shocks and South East Asian adventures, triumphs and trials. I remember when I was preparing to leave Australia the biggest pull to my heartstrings was two little cherubs by the names of Isaac and Alyse. My great babies I like to call them, belonging to the beautiful, gentle spirit that is my niece, Melanie.

I feel particularly protective, proud and loving of Melanie and her younger sister Hayley because they are the two amazing girls of my twin sister Anne and since we are twins and have shared a lot in life it’s only natural to feel like they are partly mine 🙂

Melanie is cool, calm and collected, never in a hurry, bless her, not like her aunt. I can learn a lot from Mel. Hayley is high energy and a high achiever athletically and I swear she takes after me with her sporting prowess. I’m proud of her natural outgoing confidence, something that she definitely didn’t get from me as it is something that I have had to learn.

Now the babies, when I left in March Alyse was just short of two and Isaac turning one and the one in the belly yet to be conceived. I had spent four weeks at home and the babies were becoming more familiar with me and my fear when I left was that they would forget their Aunty Shell. If I hadn’t already booked a flight out of Australia before I had even arrived back in it I quite likely wouldn’t have left. However my fears have been quelled by the wonders of technology i.e Facebook and Messenger allowing me to keep in regular contact and ‘see’ my gorgeous family. The odd gift from my travels sent back home surely doesn’t hurt also.

Babies are easy to miss and that feeling is heightened by the sense of missing out because they grow so quickly passing many little milestones. Recently I have been feeling a deepening longing for my immediate family also. My parents, brothers and twin sister.

Loving unconditionally.

I discovered recently that I hold unrealistic expectations of virtually everything, including family. How tiresome! My stubborn unconscious holds these expectations and is constantly disappointed when the impossible can not be met. I have previously held a fantasy notion of what a family should be and mine doesn’t fit into that neat little picture. My family is mine, and I have learned to love each and every member of it unconditionally. I’m not God, I can’t control the paths of each individual and the experiences and lessons they must learn, so what nerve I have had in the past to judge this. I’m not perfect and we are not a perfect family but I would have no other. I have a family who love me and for this I am grateful. I look forward to my return home and loving my imperfect family and letting them know how much I love them and am here for them no matter what.

And how could I not be excited about cuddling and playing with my great babies, supporting Hayley and Melanie, and being there for the birth of number 3!