Drowning in deep water

Deep Waters

He reached out from on high and took hold of me; He pulled me out of deep waters.
2 SAMUEL 21:17 HCSB

My best friend of 30 years sent me a lovely little book while I was away in Cambodia. It’s called ‘Moments of Peace for the mornings’ I flick to a random page each day and the passage gives me cause for reflection throughout the day.

Today’s reading was quite pertinent. I have faith in a higher power but I don’t relate to It as God but the Universal Spirit. I can simply feel that ‘something’ is there directing me, guiding me and keeping me safe. I fail to feel this when I am running on instincts, pushing and pulling trying to assert my will and control. Sometimes when I do this I don’t even realise until I am down deep in a sad and confusing place.

I love using analogy’s of water because it is in or around it that i feel most spiritually connected and at peace. Nothing gives me greater personal security, peace and love than when I am floating being held by the universe, protected and safe. After my release rehab it used to be so important to me to pull myself up in the morning and down to the ocean to swim and float followed by meditation. In my meditation I would sense my inner waters. Sometimes they were as noisy and rough as the ocean, sometimes they were calmer. I would use my time in meditation to wait and receive the energy I needed from the universe to calm my internal waters until they settled still as a morning lake. This routine was vital to me to pull me out of the depression and fear I woke with every day. These days life is much less difficult to navigate but recently I had a little while away from the water (accept the rain there was plenty of ‘that’ water) and the effect on my spiritual and emotional stability was huge!! I plunged into my own well of deep deep water and life of became a persistent become a persistent struggle. I blamed this on the rain because I couldn’t paddle my board on the river, swim, float and immerse myself in the sounds and senses of nature. Nothing was different to what it is accept my ability to perceive and cope. I was drowning.

After a couple of weeks the rain cleared so I grabbed my board and hit the water. As I sat and meditated on a rock in the river Somewhere in the darkness I felt the soft touch of universal light and I felt relief. As I breathed deeply I felt I was breathing new air and like I had been holding my breath for those weeks.

On reflection the lesson I learn out of this is that I can not rely on external circumstances to keep my inner peace. This must come from within and be strengthened by prayer, trust and faith In the universe that everything is as it should be. i always have my internal water I will never go dry.

photo credit: chiaralily Falling via photopin (license)

New Direction

Hellooooo…

So I have been struggling to continue this platform I was once enjoying so much and finding very beneficial and therapeutic.
I have found a new direction for my blog.
I want my blog to be positive but still a place to dissect the struggles, thoughts and feelings and feelings associated with addictions.
I start my mornings with a program of prayer, reading and meditation (i try to anyway but I’m not perfect). On my blog I will be sharing some positive thoughts for the day. I will still be true to where I am at personally but I will not vomit any woe is me attitudes. I wish to uplift myself and anyone else reading my pade.

🙂

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I am Proud of my Life

I have been very blessed to discover more than one passion in life. I want to share this with you.that sometimes we feel we can’t be proud of our achievements and share them in fear of ridicule or accusation of being egotistical and showing off. I think we need to honor our achievements and be proud. I enjoyed a few years competing in Kitesurfing and Stand up Paddle achieving various results along the way. I have some great photos. I like to look at them and remember these times. I feel proud and i’m not going to hide that. I hope you enjoy my pictures too.

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Hi There

A quick catch up

Hi there.
I have been neglectful of my page of late.
Why?
Hmm…

Time got away between posts and my motivation waned.

I didn’t think anyone was reading.

I forgot why I am writing this blog.

I started this blog for freelance writing purposes. It was required of me to set up a page and start running a blog (at my own cost) in order to have a freelance article published online (Paid less than said cost) I was also required to continue my blog in order to be invited to write for this online publication again. The invite never came and that’s no biggy really. When I set up this page I wondered what I could possibly share that others might wish to read. Then it struck me. My recovery from alcohol dependence is the biggest thing in my life. I know many others struggle from addiction and so off I went. I hoped that somewhere in my words that even just one person may benefit. I also hoped that readers would enjoy my writing. Something amazing began to happen. I thoroughly enjoyed the process and it became very therapeutic for me also.

I can’t identify now where I was at personally when I stopped sharing. I didn’t write for a day or two which slipped into a week, 2, a month etc……

Up popped self, pride and ego –

No one is reading anyway why bother – Silly because I had discovered I was largely doing this for myself and if others read then great. if someone was helped FANTASTIC..

I’ve had feedback and suggestion that I am writing my blog out of ego – No. It became a simple process of enjoying what I was doing. An outlet for my struggles and emotions. A genuine desire that my words may help another.

I had other things to do – Well.. there’s always ‘other’ things to do. Sometimes I forget what is important to me and do other things that provide a quick gratification. I neglect things that have a less noticeable, slow but sustainable result.

I have a tendency to overthink things and I got into my head questioning my motives and wondering if this was a grab for attention. I have recognised that in the past I have been someone who needed attention. I’d tell you otherwise and that I hated both yet I have covered myself in attention grabbing tattoos, was competing in my sports to receive the accolades, I’d never do something small; if I going to enter a run I wouldn’t just do the 10km I’d do the marathon, I entered a 110km overnight paddle race on the Hawkesbury River when I had been paddling just 6 months (I was on a SUP and stacked it at 77km and quit. Ouch for my ego) In rehab I kept the attention on me by loosing 12kg anorexic like while most putt the weight on… Attention attention attention… So i began to wonder if this was another manifestation of that.. You know what it is not. I enjoy this and if others do too that’s great.

I’m back 🙂